Updated: Nov 10, 2018
Can we talk about our relationship with our bodies? And while we are at it, can we incorporate healing and all it unveils, unravels, reveals, asks you to become or just remember?
Around January this year, I finally caved in and surrendered.... again...and it was all around my body. I had gone all 2017 so focused and learning and healing my heart and soul. Rerouting my energies, my pathway, my roles as mother, as woman, as business owner. A lot of who I became in my marriage, and on my pathway over all through all the years, now being 44, was not healthy. Plenty was. Plenty I kept. So much I nurture and adore. AND, so much came up to the surface to be loved on and processed through and required much attention. (which I fought over and over with every step... all year....until I collapsed emotionally into facing it and healing through them... but that's another post...)
So, January was here, and I was gearing up for the New Year. I love fresh starts and cleaning out and up. Getting rid of. Setting new intentions. Sage and Palo Santo the house. Pull cards. Pray and Pray and listen and write write write. When you make the move with just boxes (11, 10 that made it to be exact), to Hawaii, you instantly learn to be pretty minimalist. So, keeping this true in my home is important to me.
I had learned to turn up the volume of my heart and soul in 2017 as a new co- parenting/single woman. I remembered how to do this well as a single adult having spent most of my years 18-25 there. And a short stint at 30. But now, I have two daughters to mother, and almost 2o more years of life I have lived. Also a business to run as an entrepreneur. I had learned, or so I thought, to tame the anxiety and stress and overwhelm this new pathway also rekindled. I spent so much time taking healing actions, love and energy with myself, with professional aid ... I had this!
But one day early January I saw this vision in my meditation. It was my heart and soul skipping off and my body anchored into where I was sitting, shaking it's head and saying "No. I am not ready." I was having a hard time gaining weight, for months now, and I needed to dive deep as to why.
I crumbled. I humbled. I got more support. And (after a few weeks), I started to see the true blessings and awakening this bump would lead me on.
All of you who have been through a bit of life.... a loss, a divorce, money crisis, illness, an addiction..... a bump, as I like to call them, a hardship, that demands you either numb it through alcohol, over working out, over caffeinated, drugs, sex, working, running..... because, yeah, it's so so hard. I've done them all, except the drugs.
OR, better, you drop down to your knees and wave your white flag in surrender and you dig in, get support, lean into your people and realize that THIS IS YOUR NEXT LEVEL OF GROWTH. Of becoming. Of understanding. Of service (if you choose to share your journey) , of La Vida! The life. Your Life. (sigh.)
My body was the next level of healing. The anxiety that lures and still asks for daily love and ease. My habits of pushing and grinding in my work were especially heightened into all the "should's" I "should" be keeping up with and doing especially now that my bills and income are my responsibility alone. My digestion and appetite were off. Way way off. Frequent slight but irritating nausea. Hardly ever hungry. Full so fast. My slowing down even more to eat more more more needed more love. And to look at my body today, and love it so much. To stop shuttering at pictures of myself from all of last year. To stand tall in the now, in process. And in January I needed to surrender some more.
Let me just say that as of August of last year, when my mom fell ill and I learned to live an ocean away from her ailments and healing, I literally cut out a white flag of cloth. I LITERALLY wave that thing around and now laugh with my tears, and even dance around with it, cause I know it's right then, God smiles, angels swoop in, I feel this warmth of love and spiritual hugs with an energy of "oh honey, we GOT you, it's all gonna be ok". Grace, my friends, Grace, comes in through the side door, as Rob Bell says.
In my low, which was the lowest I had felt and could only be com paired to grief I still feel over missing my favorite grandma Lita, I fell back upon Joseph Campbell, who, I later learned she loved! I kept hearing his famous quote "Follow Your Bliss".
So... I did.
And I do.
Dancing had all ready resurfaced stronger into my life, thanks to an incredible dance studio with such vision for our community here on Kauai. I had begun teaching again. Was led to begin to train my self back onto pointe at 44. Starting to take classes again. Rehearse for an annual show And just dance around in our house with my girls. Also adding in more if what I WANT to be doing. More writing, more ocean, more girlfriend time, more walks in nature. More learning and sharing about plants and oils, and self growth and smart and aligned healthy! business building. Much more of all of that WITH my girls not separate. What can they do WITH Me that also fuels them. More moments of awe in all that's around me. So much more gratitude for it all, including the bumps.
I kept up my professional help for my mind and soul. And added reminders about nutrition. A big piece of this, for me always is just the asking for help and feeling humiliation. I mean dear lord, I used to be a personal trainer. I took many many nutrition classes. Was certified to coach the basics of it with my clients all through my 20's. I had healed an over exercising addiction when I was 18/19. I had been through plenty of body recovery all ready. So when this hit, it not only resurfaced a lot, it first pulled up so much impatience, frustration, despair.....enter the eye roll emoji ... all with myself.
And then, an Instagram account called dancers.that.inspire asked for my dancer story, my transparent, real dancer story. Sold. And they needed a picture. Instead of wearing my big sweat pants with a Flash Dance cut T - Shirt as I usually teach in, I saw the vision of pointe shoes on lava rock. The pink contrast with black. I mean... "when in Rome"... but also I wanted to add value to their page. I have since had beautiful correspondence with the women who run the page, and noticed they were in New York. They mentioned they LOVED Hawaii, so why not produce a beautiful picture for them and their feed and vision? But this would take courage. This would take me getting my body photographed, like right now, not yet as healthy as I want to be.
Put it was lighting fast YES! Do this. Don't think. When things are right they just are. We feel it. And I am getting so much better at trusting all the joy bliss and what brings me alive again.
And we took some pics. And I love my body exactly where I am today. IN process. Healing. Soothing away old habits of lack of self worth that used to push me to run too too hard. And create healthier energy WITH my girls as they get it too. Let's slow down. Let's ease up. They just wanna love and play anyway.... silly mama. And I have work to do still on keeping up this slower present pace, while also still honoring the Tigger bounce I have. And I love the process (mostly). So much less planning. So many hours free to decide what we want to do. My work now led with more feminine energy alive. My joy. Finding new avenue's and ways to post and teach online and in person. Feeling my way to decision's. Space and Time freedom. And all of this heals my eating. My hunger returned. My nausea left. My SITTING the F down to eat your meals. Finding new recipes. Finding more of the food my body loves and craves.
And you know what? Other area's of life keep thriving. Not only our health, my work flowing in, more joy and fun in our weeks, better, much better care. Go figure... or should I say... duh.
My favorite mantra's are:
"Love your Self Through It"
"Be Here Now"
"Be Still and Know"
Oils for Body honoring and loving:
PC: Jill Pollard on Instagram or find her (and her incredible support for you) at :