"Find the place where there is joy, and the joy will burn out the pain."
"Follow your Bliss."
The light has returned again, after another walk through refining and remembering. And this one might have been one of the hardest. I am in awe of all we endure. All we rise through. All that comes before us, inviting us to peel back another layer, unravel some more, rise up again. I never once felt alone in this. I never do. I am always brought to a new sense of connection with you all. And the heart beats we share as one as we are on our separate paths over coming each bump. People so close to me, walking some delicate pain too. So this is what I gathered in hopes to give light if you are there, in grief, pain, sorrow or loss.
Do the next thing. The very next thing you WANT to do. This was the easing of the reigns of my sorrow that held me.
Know that bravery is the getting back up after each and every fall.
My gauge was, ok, I am able to mother. I am able to get my work done. I am able to keep this house mostly together. I am able to let myself collapse many times in between. I am able to (finally), and sloppily just let myself feel what I thought was grief. But turns out it was sorrow. That deep pain of sadness that stings and throbs much like the bottom of grief. All I could compare it to was when Lita died. My grandma. My mom's mom, who made her mark on my heart from the second I was born, helping mom raise me until I was 2, and always always in my life. I still mourn her, some 17 years later, a few times a year. She's always hovering around close.
The tears just kept coming. And yes, it was right before my cycle, and during that super blue moon and my 44th birthday. But these tears had that nob turned on tight and, kept waves coming like a sweet set on the ocean, of pangs in my heart that had me curled up on me bed in between work calls and mom duties.
And (finally) all I could do was just BE with it. Surrender, Surrender, Surrender some more.
It carried the weight of my ex husband ...really? This shit is not healed YET?! UG. I keep hearing it takes years, and yet, I keep pushing it as fast as I can.
My place in this world- it's all a new path as a co parent but also it's all a new path as a 44 year old woman who is single for the first time longer then 6 months since she was 25. What IS my place now? Who AM I? What do I Love? What do I really want? What can I say no to? What is my bliss? I thought I knew this. I write, I dream board, I set goals, I ..... but I think we must also give a moment sometimes to what didn't happen, the way we thought.
My work- taking a path that is not like I thought it would be. It's different then the rest in so many ways. It's taking much longer to get to where I want to be and yet it's the most full filling right now too. I had a specific plan and idea over and over for years, and it keeps taking from in a different way. It's also asking to require a deep dive into self trust to stay the course I am on. No comparison.
My security- "when we craft a life that cater's to us, that's security" more joeseph cambell. I have walked on this earth not often enough, with 100% confidence in me with out needing others approval, assurance, guidance, advise, or at least little nudge. Yes! I have absolutely lived well. I have absolutely chosen to take routes that were least taken, risky, exciting, heart led and then often anxious and self doubt creeping right in, dimming my efforts and light and needing so much fucking support to keep on. Some all worth it and incredible rides. Some fill me with such pride and sweet precious memories. Some, a lot, feel heavy. Make me sigh. And often added to my years of co-dependant relationships, dimming my light. Shrinking my wings in to fit in. To cater to. To deny my will and heart for another, just enough to feel like too much. Way too much. New Trust in Self. New stable ground with self.
So it hurt like hell. It was layered over this last year or three and an all ready occurring bump I am still learning through.
In the past the steps I would take were to quickly soothe it over. Get inspired out of it. Meditate and visualize it away. Give it new perspective. Write write write. Talk it out. Run hard and fast through it.
But this time, I just couldn't. It had me. And all I could do was just BE. And for once I had this peace with in the pain. It was so hard. And so exhausting. It slowed me down even more. It yanked me yet again from my plans and visions. And all I could do was, BE.
I decided to love myself through it. To treat myself the way Lita treated me. Be easier about it. Space and Time. It usually takes much much much more then we think. To even honor it. And keep up my current love of not putting a mask over it.
And then one day, after a few weeks of this looming through out my weeks, I felt inspired to listen to someone. A little Rob Bell, again. A little Dr. Joe, again, and some Joeseph Cambell. And I felt this tiny spark return. Looking back I think it was that flicker that got me up every time, wiped away my tears, and held me to work, or mother, or just brush my teeth and sleep. It must have been, because there were days I thought..... WTF? Am I manic? HOW can I go from so LOW to teach a dance class so well?
But also, I saw the truer meaning and pathway of life. The depth of which I am living. The awareness through I am healing through. The details I am choosing to keep and let go in my life now. All this deciphering. All this process really.
And it was this blog's title. To simply find bliss. And now, I understood it in a brand new light.
NOT this GRAND BLISS, like big goal, take a vacation, buy new clothes bliss. Just more like, listen to classical music right now. Or eat some Mac nuts. Or look over there, your Jasmine plant bloomed, kinda bliss. But instead of feeling impatient about these little blessings, like how Rob says Grace comes in through the side door. Or how Anne Lamott says Grace bats last. I understood it as... yea... just one minute at a time. Just do that very next thing that feels good. That feels like a relief. That simply feels good. That might even make your soul get giddy or you just stop to take an extra breath. And that, my dear, is it.
Oh the wisdom that is being engrained. The bravery I feel rooting me down. The connection with our world, those close to me and far, by staying open in this. The alignment with God and our world. The synchronicity, the blessings. The bliss. It's only growing. The will to restart co creating from this moment, right now. And the woman I am becoming ...and have always been.