This is true healing.
It's a mess.
It's this consistent pull to dig IN. To really truly Refine and Remember. Yes, friends I am walking my own dang walk that I love to preach. (enter the eye roll emoji). Refining and Remembering the brightest versions of ourselves.
It's sitting here at my computer to complete a few emails and posts for work, only because Naila literally told me to leave her alone to play her lego's. She's deeeeeep into her imagination. It's so sweet and incredible. Fridays and Saturdays are my full days with my girls. This is my first full Friday with them. I used to do a weekly market event locally as a vendor. But after two years of that, and a full year of the girls dad taking Naila Till 3 for me on my day, and... as I learn and learn and LEARN and listen, I realized, I really wanted to BE with Naila. And relieve their gracious dad for helping me. And I now step even further along my path of Trust and Allow (my two words for 2018), that I don't NEED to do the market weekly to keep work success flowing. I NEED to BE with my daughter, which is what I WANT to do. The market is just what I started to feel like I "should" be doing. UG. I hate should. (and push, and yes when I mean no).
It's stopping over and over, so that 30 min of quick work, or parenting your babes or cleaning the house might take all day in and out, because you have to stop to do things like this*, write, and ....wipe away many many tears. And pray. And listen to some inspiration. And cry. And stop - hand on heart and take some deep breaths. And texting your people that have your back through this particular part of your healing chapter. And for me, dance around... being a dancer and having just started teaching again I just can't stop and I just can't help to think that is absolutely perfect timing. Dance is the ROOT of Shine. I'll update this blog with my last few Instagram posts especially on this and where "shine" came from. Insta is my mini blog, since I can't blog from my phone. (enter another eye roll emoji and that laughing with tears one).
is anything but easy. It's asking for, hiring and humbling yourself for help. It's hiring professional support. I have a dear woman to me who I have twice a month sessions with. It's therapy and energy work. I make sure my regular women well visits are current. As of 42, we also took a blood panel to look into my physical health to make sure all looking good. So many things as we age, or through illness or healing that are important to check. I have an accountant and a solid tax firm for my financial aid. I hire regular sitters as need for work with NO guilt. (ok, some guilt, but it fades pretty quick). My joke is, well....some women buy shoes and make up. I hire emotional and physical help. Shoes sound so much more fun.
I am not ready to talk about it yet. But I did need to hire another professional for aid through this part. Just doing that tore me apart. I am a bit stubborn. I am of proud Mexican, Italian decent. I got this. I can do this! But lately I still need help. And it still humbles me each time I give myself permission to do so.
Masks OFF. I also needed to take off another layer of those last masks I had with a few near and dear. Ya know, it's such a F-ing relief to not wear them with those we love and trust. It's such a releif to just BE who and what we are. And best, it gives permission for everyone else to to the dahm same. hallileuja.
Is slowing down. Apparently my Slowing down was still pretty fast. More of that. And take my meditation to next level. Less guided. More silent meditations now. Kinda feels like the real deal. And bravely keep my words in front of me. Trust and Allow. Because I have never EVER not hustled, pushed, RAN, worked my ass off for much. I was taught in school and in dance and as a actor, fitness trainer, teacher, business owner, .... YOU WORK TO ACHIEVE.
And yet, as I reflect at the miracles in my 42 years of life that had NOTHING to do with those words I just listed, those life changing, Joy Filled, Miraculous events or moments just slid in. Didn't need to earn them. Didn't need to prove anything for them. Didn't need to do anything but be. Be me in that moment. And the action it took if needed to achieve came out of alignment. It was FUELED with passion. The work was exciting and GAVE ME ENERGY. Much more of that please. Seems my body just won't have it any other way now. And changing 42 years of habit to Fill my planner, make post it lists and PUSH is truly a day by day process.
Is keeping what is you. It's so much remembering and it is refining.
And by the way.... All these things are tiny adjustments. I will always bounce around like Tigger when I am fueled and happy. I will multitask when I am caffeinated with glee. I am so proud and in love with all the healing that just is, that evolved from last year. And .... like I said... it's a mess. What part of me is ME and needs me to turn UP the notch. What part of me was taking in someone else's agenda and needs to be let go of.
Like I said:
It's a glorious ooey gooey mess. I keep trying to clean it up, create definite daily habits, organize it, make a list for it, time block it..... and I just can't. It's what it is. And we just need to show up for each moment. And that is really all. And best I can say is: it takes more time then I had ever thought. It keeps me on this growth spurt that I keep saying ... OK, THIS is the final frontier. It keeps my heart open and grounded. It keeps me compassionate, and WITH my people whoever I am with. It keeps me humbled, surrendering, NOT knowing, and rested. It keeps me expressing, creative and tapped into my muses. It keeps me mothering better and better- more and more present everyday. It keeps me shedding and shedding all that I used ot say yes to out of those "should's or comparisons. It keeps me real.
To your Healing. And BE-ing you. Shine, my friends shine. I'm with you.... healing.
*also.. THIS is healing. I started this post 2 Fridays ago. (sigh).