rekindling in the deep valley. how 45 started

I started 45

Flirting with someone who was truly unavailable, while being in a few weeks of sorrow. The sorrow part, was all just part of it. I have found these pockets of grief, or pain, of sorrow for our losses, they just hit when they hit. And, we gotta just honor them. It was a time to go slower still, and take even more breaths. And, like all times of hardship, we make it through. HOW we make it through can vary. But since my divorce, I just know what we don’t deal with, just repeats, so I tend to eye roll, kick and scream, and then know I just gotta honor this, as long as it’s mine and not someone else’s I am carrying. I am to honor it. It only deepens my journey, my self love, my wisdom about myself after. And, the process, though can be so painful, or full of rage, or both! Is how we are to move at that time. Perhaps softer. Perhaps less. Perhaps more sweat and tears. But who can’t relate to hardship, even my young girls can. The only way through is through. Gather your troops (friends, more sleep, more exercise, more oils…etc… ) and know this too will pass, and we are better for each other for it. And! It's slowly but surely being used for others now too, bit by bit.

Onto the flirting part… This turned out to actually be a huge win. All though I repeated this a few times later, It was actually a great thing because this was the first time I actually felt like I wanted to TRY to date since being divorced. EVERYONE will tell you to jump right in, go get _____ and just at least get out. EVERYONE. But I just could not. Not for over two years could not. I felt like shit, my two young daughters were on my mind along with how I was gonna now run a single income home. Also my health pulled at me. The end of the process of divorce and moving out, was just the beginning of the deepest valley of healing I had ever done, all while the massive juggle the above. So heal, mother and work I did. And that’s ALL I could do. Trust me, I wanted to #human, but, there was too much right in front of my face I needed to take care of. I had absolutely NOTHING to give. I barely could give to my friends, after getting through mama hood and the bare minimum to propel and maintain my businesses. I had just opened a little shop on top of my own business too.

Then, about 2 1/2 years later, after …a lot of paid support with a nutritionist, my auntie I still talk with every month, some acupuncture, some Ayuvedic work, about three online courses all on healing with incredible women in these fields I love. Elena Brower one of them. An online course with Dr. Joe Dispenza. Hours dancing around my house. Hundreds of guided meditations, surrendered prayers on my knees. A ton of sleep. Filing up journal after journal. SOOOOOOO many oils. Talking my sisters ear OFF. Starting to cultivate these beautiful newly perfectly planted ohana, buckets of tears, truly adding self care IN my week to week…

I deeply feel in love with myself for once right as I turned 45. I literally said, OH! There I AM! FIRE returned. While honoring the pain I was also processing. I felt my swag return. I stood up a bit straighter. I felt the rekindling of my true, blue, authentic light. Thank GOD! And the interest from a man, I know, have known, certainly helped.

I have spent some time all through 45, until right now, when I feel like it, (which lately is not much), learning HOW to date/dating. After being in relationship for about 12 years. IT’S A WHOLE NEW WORLD. Like, men, grown ass men, love to text. A lot. And grown ass men, will just fall off. #boo Trust me, I quit this thing all the time. Then I remember that ya can’t whine about not being in shape if ya ain’t working out. So, off and on, I date. My favorite part? Observing my own growth through it. My confidence. My body love. My definition of what I clearly want and do NOT want.

Soon after these weeks, I met a great guy that I am still friends with, right here on this tiny island, that was crystal clear in his communication. Did not ghost. Was kind and generous and fun. Was easy to make plans with or not. We just took it date by date. And, though we don’t want the same things, so, we are not together, we did date, and it was such a really healthy and wonderful experience. #relief #adulting #okthereshope

And that was just Jan/Feb… of 45.... It was a big year.

On my personal IG and Heart and Soul section of this blog I am writing about all I was brought and was taught at 45. More to come...


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