Stay with yourself
Love
LOVE, to me, is ever expansive. “God is love” is my favorite way to practice my faith. It’s limitless. It’s always expansive and inclusive. It’s inviting. It’s togetherness. It’s humble. It’s forgiveness. It does not see separateness. It sees everything and everyone, equally. There are no borders with love. There is no judgment with love. Love cannot be contained. It cannot be possessed. It gives and gives and gives.
We NEED to LOVE ourselves so we CAN LOVE each other.
If that feels uncomfortable — because it did to me too — a therapist once reminded me: if YOU go down, then the home goes down. I was a single mom, co-parenting but running a single-income home at that time, and THAT made sense to me. Today, it still rings true in my ability to thrive in all my roles.
In these times, with so much darkness coming to light, I am having a really hard time regulating my own nervous system. I don’t see a lot of LOVE. I see a lot of separateness, of hate expressed in the way people are abused or treated, and of some division between us all. That makes me sad. I know this is centuries old, but today it feels loud in our country and in our neighborhoods again. More light. More love. YOU with YOU first.
I had to write this out for myself this week. I have heard from a lot of you, and thought this might help you too. I was supposed to be pulling up Valentine’s ideas and blends for love, but the thought occurred to me… this IS love. THIS is the most important love. And I think it’s a time to go back to the basics.
We all have our hands full, so how?
We are navigating so much in our own homes, all ready: Relationships, kids, parenting, partnering, work, and business. I know so many close to me who are in deep valleys of change — grief, loss, heartbreak. I know some who are ill. I know some who are buried in their own lives, just in the day to day of paeernting & working, where it’s a lot just to keep pushing forward and doing their best to take care of themselves.
Many are feeling and directly being effected by what is here now: Navigating so much out there in the world and in our country. I know friends who have seen ICE in their areas and witnessed actions that felt frightening and inhumane. As someone who is part Mexican, and a granddaughter on all sides- of immigrants, I feel enraged by the negative opinions about them, and the ill treatment — for centuries, yes for all our brown and black brothers and sisters — and especially what is happening in our faces right now. The other loudness : I know the pain of narcissistic abuse from men. If you sat me in a room with 10 of my friends, 8 out of of 10 of us would have stories of being violated by a man, and many of us at a young age. So this uncovering — what is so desperately needs to be addressed, the corruption, abuse, and harm — it is heavy. It feels familiar to SO MANY OF US WOMEN. There is a desperate justice needing to begin. Many of us were never listened to, or even spoke up. Some did. But the memories are there that help us empathize with all survivors. . And it is repeatedly triggering, to say the least, for many of you I am talking to.
From all these places - When you are on the floor, waving the white flag of surrender, in your own valley, or in the valley of the human collective. Or you are simply just over done with day to day life.
This return to LOVE: is where I began to put myself back together, heal, and keep discovering my next best step. LOVE whispers it’s way in like gentle mist entering the room. LOVE all ready won, and is here to stay and fill us and guide us. May we unite with it- again and again.
These atomic habits, routines, and rituals are like a checklist for us, with ourselves. These things first and foremost. We can’t always do them all, so just take what you need. Invite LOVE in. Stay with yourself.
Short Version:
BREATHE : I had a long talk with ohana auntie visiting who has been a professional in the health & healing world for decades. I am also reminded in ancient text by the mystics and in faith based reading, for centuries the guidance that life is breath. To incorporate conscious breathing into daily life. BREATHE. Take nice big breaths in your day. Sure you can do -breathe work, attend the popular class offering right now in your area. Or follow an App or guided meditations that lead with the breath. But I also wanna keep it really simple. The wise ancient teachings are because we are often taking shallow breaths. And physically it is oxygen our major systems need to just operate the routine daily functions to keep us alive. Come back to you, at any second any time: Expand your breath : 4 counts in, 4 counts out. Though your mouth. Next step, take 4 counts in and a longer exhale, 6 to 8 counts out. Just breathe. Go back to bigger breath.
PRESENCE: Be right here, right now. if you are brushing your teeth, brush your teeth. if you are driving, drive. Less multi tasking. More one thing at ONE TIME. Take those breaths as you are simply JUST DOING WHAT YOU ARE DOING. What helps me with this is remembering the glorious life we all had before cell phones and the internet. Who remembers that?! That helps me. When I was new out of my divorce, my first job was to learn how to BE. what? like be alone? No, Daniella, just Be with yourself. like no plans, no agenda, no podcast while you walk, like even if for 5 min at a time. learn to just BE. there is SO MUCH that pulls at us 24/7! take your hand back once in awhile and just BE in this moment, fully. Smile! :) here you are. Revel. Notice. Prayer of thanks. BE.
Deeper Dive:
Go further and remember some more basics in your day-to-day, plus add a few easy, quick habits. Take what works.
Processing and Prayer:
I just read that people who talk out loud to themselves a lot are less sick. We are NOT crazy, see!? Get it OUT of your body. Write, journal, type it, handwrite it, express it to yourself out loud, call a friend. Hire help, like a therapist. Gather in safe intimate community- to talk, pray, support. Listen and leave Voice Texts. ( my weekly go to with a few near and dear). So important to truthfully process with safe people. It’s the truths that matter, and it’s about getting it out of our heads and bodies. It’s relieving. It’s clarifying. It’s part of life’s process to process. Further more, this is TRUTH telling. It’s “confession”. It’s talking and praying to God for many. To stay as an observer of your monkey mind in over thinking. A calling out… Here is the absolute truth of my mind and heart. HELP! Or Guide me! The release and releif after “getting it out” and that peace! Of quiet and love now settling in. Repeat often.
Sleep:
Get your sleep. Protect your sleep. For me, this is a constant communication and reminder to my family. My husband sometimes snores. The kids want to stay up later than I can. Naps are necessary if I do NOT get the sleep I need. Getting sleep is nonnegotiable. I am protective of my kids’ sleep and rest, too. It’s maintenance and recovery. Our whole body requires it.
Tools to aid: Dark-out curtains in the bedrooms. Earbuds AND earplugs. An eye mask. A noise-canceling machine with ocean wave sounds or rain, for me please. A diffuser with lavender, vetiver, or the Serenity blend. (Any smell that feels calming is a win!) Over-communication to the fam bam, who just don’t need as much sleep as I do. Playing extra-hard mom to get my kids to SLEEP: back rubs, oils on their backs, shower and bath time in the evening, lower lights. Turn OFF the screens (the hardest challenge for us all) — they say three hours before bed.
Solid moments of pauses of rest :
If it’s a hard day to even stay present because that multitask game is ON — working mama’s life! — the simplest way to describe this with the most ease is the example of looking up at the clouds and zoning out, watching them pass. Anyone remember the days before the internet or cell phones? It’s that kind of life you are giving yourself for a bit. Turn notifications off. Set an alarm on your phone to take a few-minute break a few times a day. I step away from my desk, or if I am out and about, I step on grass barefoot for just a minute. Notice the overthinking, overdoing, the reserves draining… and go refill them by simply getting present and looking around you. Try to empty your brain and just watch a bird. You get it. Space OUT!
Nourish:
Good foods: So often my husband asks, “Did you eat?” Yeah, I ate! But it had been hours, and I need a decent SNACK! Or better, a mini meal. Or full on — STOP pushing and eat! Mangia! Mangia! My mom would say. I like to think of my Italian family and the lunches I hear of. I envy their nervous systems and daily life flow. Pack hearty snacks and eat often — like every few hours. Along with solid meals. Or just super solid meals that sustain. Adapt to your best health needs. Stock your home with good foods. Most of the time, when I am edgy, I just need a good SNAAAAAAACK.
Hydrate:
About 8–10 cups for the average adult per day. Remember — sweating and caffeine dehydrate you. Fill and refill your water bottle and bring it along everywhere with you.
Nature:
Get into it. Bare feet on the ground. Get surrounded by it. No phones. Alone would be awesome, too. Time in nature, in quiet. Pause and listen to the trees, the ocean, or a creek, the wind moving the trees. It is a quick hack to presence, breathing, and connection to our hearts and souls. Easy peasy. Get it into your week-to-week life.
Aromatherapy:
Smell natural things: foods, fruits, flowers, herbs, oils, ocean air, tree’s, the rain. . It’s a quick hack to help calm, ease, and settle. Scent goes up to your limbic brain and then into your bloodstream. Smelling good things helps your cells. It can assist when you need hand to help. It’s serving your body’s health in much larger ways. Super easy. Major results. Just inhale the good stuff.
Book End your day:
This is my favorite routine — it gets me into a really good rhythm. So if my day “goes to shit,” as my mom would say, you still have you: first thing in the morning and the last thing before bed. Give yourself a quick short habitual routine to do EVERY morning and EVERY evening. Teach your kids to do their own too. Give yourself time to process, pray, and take big breaths. I like to pick two to three habitual actions so my body clicks into the feeling and flow and recognizes it’s my time. Suggestions: light a candle, diffuse some oils, make a cup of tea or coffee, put your headphones in, journal, sit outside, do a short guided meditation, listen to a song, list things you are grateful for, pull a card from an inspirational deck. Read spiritual inspiration: a verse, a passage, a poem. Creative write.
More specific ideas
AM: I love doing morning pages from The Artist’s Way, Julia Cameron’s guidance. Fill three pages every morning. Dump it all out. Get it all out. No edits. No spell check, no grammar check. Just dump it all on the page. Sometimes I can’t do this until I MOVE! Anxiety often hits first thing. So after a walk, when I stretch, I will do one or two of these. No rules — you do YOU!
PM: I love a heating pad with oils on my neck (arthritis in a disc), or my castor oil pack on it, reading, gratitude prayer of the day, or a short guided bedtime meditation. Try your best to keep screens off a couple hours before bed. This is my biggest challenge, too!
Look for love, miracles, “synchronicities,” and REVEL in them:
My most, most favorite! And when I do NOT do this, I KNOW I am OFF. There is no coincidence, I feel. That cattle egret that flew in front of your car while driving — you almost hit it, but didn’t — and it pulled you out of that mind spiral you were in. Say thank you. Just simple, small but mighty things you cannot plan or anticipate that happen in your day. Notice and revel! Heighten it up! Pray thanks and KNOW YOU ARE COVERED. We are all connected!
NOW: Love others
Take attention off self: Go help someone else. When your cup is full, OR you are just in that grind of self, self, self, take the attention off and go help your neighbor. Make some soup or cookies. Pick a flower and put it on your friend’s car. Leave notes. Simple, easy love. This always selfishly raises me up just as much as it does any I am giving love to.
The mostest easiest? : Have LOVE in your eyes when you leave the home. Spend TIME saying hello. Looking at people in their eyes. A hug! A fist pump or high five. ASK how they are … and listen. Hold the door open for our aunties and uncles. Ask the clert at the counter how they are. BE IN THE WORLD. NOT OF just you when we are out in it. Easy peasy!
Go back to the top and repeat what is helping the most.
No matter what is going on in your home or in our world, take care of YOU.
I LOVE YOU.
if you made it here this far down… know you are loved.
You are cherished. YOU are vital to us all.
Take care of YOU. Take care of each other.